Choose to Keep His Presence

This was originally posted on March 21, 2023. It was lost in my web site redesign, so I wanted it to have a new place here.

I felt as though I had lived a thousand lifetimes before walking into church last Sunday. And, it was only 10:15 a.m. It was one of those mornings. They always happen when Mike has to be there early. Which, recently, is every single week. I can prep the night before - get the kids’ backpacks ready, set out Eli’s medicine, prep my coffee - all the things, but then things just…spiral.

Maggie doesn’t want to get out of her pajamas. I give Cheerios for breakfast, but they both just stare at it. Because I don’t want the kids’ workers at church to hate me for sending hangry kids to them, I pivot and offer something else. Maggie wants yogurt which will inevitably get all over her, but whatever. Eli swears he’s not hungry…until 20 minutes before we leave and then he wants eggs.

Shoes magically go missing. They both turn themselves into noodles while I’m walking us to the car.

It’s just painful. I swear whole years are taken from my life on Sunday mornings when Mike isn’t around.

Yes, that’s an exaggeration.

But it frazzles me. I get caught in the spiral and it takes many, many deep breaths and silence to bounce back. As I sat in church it wasn’t anger or even frustration. It was more like exhaustion, weariness. I just had nothing left to give. I was spent. A washcloth with all the water rung out.

I sat most of worship because I truly was tired. (But also because I was in the balcony with Mike, and that railing terrifies me, haha). I sang. I tried to mean the words coming out and connect with my Creator.

He gave me these kids. These precious kids that I FERVENTLY prayed for. I cherish being their mom. Most of the time, it is the honor of my life to be Mama to who I consider to be the most precious babies on the face of the planet.

It also can really take a toll on me.

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again (it’s actually a quote from my dear friend/pastor Jamie Kemp), “Two things can be true at the same time.” I can love my kids with every fiber of my physical being. At the same time, I can also need a moment away from them.

Author: Missy Towers